


Never Stopped

by thoughtlessblogger



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Break Up, M/M, Sad Louis, harry's an idiot, larry - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-03
Updated: 2014-05-03
Packaged: 2018-01-21 19:24:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1561331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thoughtlessblogger/pseuds/thoughtlessblogger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lying there in the dark Harry was reminded of the last thing he had heard Louis say. "It was my fault, wasn't it?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Stopped

**Author's Note:**

> Alright so I started writing this back in December and then the file got corrupted when I got about a thousand words in, so I had to re-write everything. It's been a long road and I've been weary to post this because I don't think it's that good, but I've been sitting on it long enough. I hope you all enjoy.

His fingertips had just touched the doorknob when he heard a soft broken whisper coming from the sofa. "Where are you going?" Harry didn't want to turn around. He didn't want to acknowledge it. He wanted to ignore it. Pretend he hadn't heard it and leave like he had been planning. Turning around and acknowledging the broken shell of a man on the sofa was not what he had planned. It would only make things worse and they were already pretty bad. He had screwed it up. It was all his fault. He knew that, but saying a simple "I'm sorry" was not enough to fix this. Him staying and allowing a conversation, no matter what it would be, would only make things a thousand times worse and he's not sure his heart could handle that. He's positive that Louis' couldn't. Louis was always so full of life, mischief and happiness, but this would ruin him. He'd curl up in a ball and cry for days, not eating, not sleeping, not showering. Not anything. Harry had seen him like that only once before and it was because of his parent's failed relationship. It was the worst thing he'd ever seen. Harry would swear that Louis was the actual sun he shined so bright sometimes. So seeing Louis like that had absolutely killed him. And knowing now that Louis' current state was because of him made him wish he were dead.

"Where are you going?" Louis sounded louder, but somehow more broken than he had before. Against his better judgment, Harry glanced over his shoulder to look at Louis. The moment he did, he regretted it. Louis was looking at his lap, but Harry could tell he was crying. He wasn't moving, just sitting there staring, silent tears running down his face. He wanted to run over, pull Louis into his arms, and comfort him until the crying stopped, but he knew that it was impossible. He couldn't take any more of seeing Louis in this broken state and not being able to fix it and moved towards the door again.

This time, before he had a chance to put a hand on the doorknob, something was pushing past him, blocking him from reaching the door. He had almost forgotten how quick Louis could be when determined. "Why aren't you answering me?" When Harry looked up he saw that, while tears were still streaming down his face, Louis looked angry and there was a look of determination there. Somehow Louis managed to make himself seem bigger than he really was and he still looked hurt. Harry wasn't sure if Louis knew what seeing him like this did to Harry, but it didn't matter. Harry deserved to feel like this. He deserved to feel every ounce of hurt that Louis was feeling and more. 

Louis continued to stare up at Harry with pure hatred in his eyes and it made Harry want to fling himself off the balcony. "What was the question?" He wasn't even sure if it was loud enough for Louis to hear.

"Where the hell are you going?" There was a certain amount of venom behind his words that it seemed to shock Louis himself. Not sure how to respond and knowing just about anything he said would make things worse he tried to push past Louis to get to the door. Louis stood his ground and Harry's action only seemed to piss him off more. "What are you doing?"

"Please, just let me leave?" It came out sounding more of a question than he wanted it too.

"No"

"Please, Lou."

Louis only shook his head and threw his hands at Harry's chest to push him back. "Oh no. You don't get to call me that. You don't get to leave. You don't get to just walk out on me." His voice was louder than it had been all day. "You don't...I don't want any of those things."

For a moment they just stared into each other's eyes. Harry noticed that Louis' usual bright blue eyes, now looked a stormy gray rimmed red with tears. If it were possible Harry would like to freeze time and stay in this moment because, while Louis is visibly upset, he's still beautiful and they weren't yelling at each other for the first time all day. Or at least they weren't yelling for the first time since he'd told Louis about the other guy three hours ago. So yeah, staying in this moment is better than anything they've had today and it's better than what's to come, but Harry knows it's impossible. He thinks he should deal with the pain, but he wishes Louis didn't have to be hurt too. That'd make it better. Harry would gladly take all of Louis' pain away for him, but he can't.

"What do you want Lou - Louis?" It was hard for Harry not letting the nickname slip out after all these years. "What do you want?"

Louis finally looked away from Harry and stared at a point on the wall behind him. "I don't know." It was barely audible even in the silence of their flat. Louis started to shake his head, never meeting Harry's eyes. "I don't know. I really don't." At this he pushed by Harry and went back to his spot on the sofa. 

Harry turned to watch him, not sure what to do. Should he follow Louis to the sofa? Louis would probably just ignore Harry being there, but maybe not. God only knows what Louis will do when he's in a good mood, so him being like this is scary. Harry doesn't know when he made the decision to sit on the coffee table across from Louis, but that's where he finds himself. "Look, tell me what you want and I'll do my absolute best to make sure you get it."

Harry doesn't look up, but he can picture the look on Louis' face. "You can't give me what I want."

"So you do know and you lied earlier? Or did you consult a magic eight ball or something?" Harry knows it wasn't his best attempt at a joke and that now isn't the best time to try to make Louis laugh, but he couldn't stop himself.

Harry can hear Louis sigh and looks up at him. He thinks that there might have been a tiny glint of amusement in Louis' eyes for just a second. Maybe it was joy over Harry's poor attempt at humor or maybe Louis was actually amused. Harry'll never know. "Not the time Haz." Harry caught himself before he could smile at that. He thinks that maybe this is a good sign that even though Louis told him not to call him "Lou" he still called Harry "Haz". That's a good sign, right? "You can't give me what I want. You can't fix this. You broke it, but you can't fix it. You can't turn back time. And even if you could, I'm not sure I'd want you to."

That last bit defeated Harry and he could feel the tears start streaming. He knew he couldn't turn back time. He would in a second if it were possible, but Louis just said he's not sure he'd want him to. "Why? Why wouldn't you-"

"You know why." Louis snapped and stood up from the sofa. He was staring down at Harry with an absolute hatred in his eyes that Harry had never seen before. "Don't pretend you don't. You can't say sorry and be your charming self and fix this. You cheated. Sure it was only once and you could swear to God that you would never do it again, but how can I believe that? You lied to me once, what makes you think I could trust you again?" Louis started to walk towards the hallway, but abruptly came to a stop. "Don't follow me. Please don't." He didn't turn when he said it, but Harry could tell he was crying again. He started to walk again before stopping and turning this time. Harry had been right. There were tears falling down his face again. "You can go now." He turned back around and disappeared down the hall. Harry heard the door slam and that felt like the signal that this was over. Harry didn't want it to be over.

Harry's not sure how long he had been waiting. Could have been an hour, maybe ten minutes, but he felt like he should move from the coffee table now. He knew he should listen to what Louis said, but he didn't want to. He crept down the hall and stopped in front of the door to the bedroom. He could hear sniffles coming from inside. In fact, it sounded like Louis was sitting against the door. Like he had just collapsed there the minute it shut. 

Harry turned to walk away, but stopped when he heard Louis' voice coming out in fragmented sobs. "I - I just don't understand. F-f-five years." Harry knows that Louis might be on the phone, more than likely with his mother. "What did I do? What could I have possibly done? It was my fault, wasn't it?"

And damn. If Harry had been shattered before, he was in millions pieces now. Part of him wanted to force the door open and explain to Louis that it was nothing he did. It was all on Harry. He wanted to tell Louis that he was perfect and that it was Harry who was imperfect. Part of him wanted to run out the door and find some way to punish himself for making Louis think this and this was also the part of him knew that he should listen to Louis and just leave because that's what he wanted. So that's exactly what he did.

~~~

Harry is currently sitting in a pub that he doesn't know the name of in a neighborhood he doesn't quite know drinking a drink he doesn't know the name of. This was probably not one of his best nights. He had been walking around for an hour when he decided he needed a drink and he'd spotted this pub. He had came in and told the bartender to give him whatever was the strongest. He's had three now, which is why he thinks he could be hallucinating. It's been five years since he left. Five years since they've seen each other. Five years since Harry had left like he'd been asked. Never even went back for his stuff. It's probably been thrown out and long forgotten by now. He expects that's how Louis feels about him. Figures Louis has forgotten about him.

Harry's been watching Louis in the corner of the pub for about an hour. Louis hasn't noticed him. Or at least he's doing a pretty good job of pretending he hasn't. He's with some friends that Harry recognizes, but couldn't name, which could be because of the alcohol. And Him. Harry's never seen him before. They're all over each other. If Harry's thoughts hadn't been dominated by Louis, he'd probably be disgusted by this display. He's thinking about going over grabbing Louis by the arm and dragging him out of here away from this man, but he can't. He'd love to. He'd really love to because seeing Louis again after all this time has made him realize that he's still in love with him, not that he'd ever forgotten. He'd never forget. But actually seeing him has made his feelings resurface. And now he's started wondering what would've happened if he'd never told Louis the truth. Would Louis have ever found out? Probably. Louis's a smart a guy and probably would've noticed that Harry was being eaten alive by something. Guilt is a terrible thing and if Louis had questioned him Harry knows he wouldn't have been able to lie.

Harry's thoughts are interrupted by an arm coming to rest around his shoulder's. "Harry, mate, glad to see you." Harry would recognize that voice anywhere. "What's it been? Like a hundred years or something?" 

"Yeah, something like that." Harry turned around to see a smiling Niall. "How's it going?"

Harry didn't think it was possible but Niall's smile grew. "It's been two years. Two years since we last spoke." He took a swig of his beer. "Five years since you went and fucked up." Harry feels like he should be shocked and hurt by Niall's brutal honesty, but it's Niall and he's right. "Don't think we've forgotten Harry 'cause we haven't. None of us have." He nods his head toward the table Louis' been at. 

Harry had noticed them before, but now he could give them names. They were all there. Zayn and Liam. They all look so happy. Harry thinks the reason he hadn't remembered their names before is because he didn't want to. Zayn had been the one to find Louis the next day and had stopped talking to him immediately. Harry doesn't blame him. He understands it. Zayn and Louis have always been fiercely loyal to each other. He thinks it's because they've known each other the longest out of the group. Liam was different. The couple of times that Harry had talked to Liam they had argued over whether or not the relationship could be fixed. Liam seemed to think it could be. Harry knew it couldn't. They stopped talking after a year. Harry had found out through Niall that Liam had stopped talking to Louis too. When Harry asked him Niall said it had something to do with Liam thinking that they were both being stupid about the whole thing and wanted them to fix it.

Niall, though. Niall had been different. He came around to the hotel Harry was staying in and hit him on the head. Said he did the same thing to Louis. Then added "If you two are stupid enough to not try to fix this or want to fix this, then I'm not going to push." They had remained friends for three years, but Harry found it increasingly hard to hang out with Niall while trying not to see the others, especially Louis. So Harry had just stopped trying. 

But that was all in the past. The thing about Niall is he doesn't hold a grudge. He probably understood why Harry had stopped talking to him. Harry glanced over to the table again. They all seemed to be happy and enjoying themselves. It looked like they were still having their monthly Lads night that Louis had started eleven years ago when they had all meet for the first time.

"It's Lads night," Niall said like he could tell what Harry had been thinking. "We started it up again about a year and a half ago." He looked like he wanted to say more, but he took another swig of his beer.

"If you want to go back-" 

"You know, I don't blame you."

"Blame me for what?"

Niall took the time to consider his answer. "For any of it. Don't get me wrong it's your fault that you broke Louis' heart, but he's not blameless." He paused to take another drink. "The two of you were having issues and neither of you did anything about it. Well, I guess you did." He smirked at Harry meaning he meant it as a joke. He continues on when he saw that Harry didn't think it was funny. "Anyway, the blame is on both of you for not talking about your issues and whatever those issues were you still loved each other. Or at least he loved you. You never did tell me what you were thinking." He turned to look at Harry face to face.

Harry wasn't too comfortable having this conversation with Louis, who may or may not have noticed him, only meters away, so Harry decided to give the short answer. The answer he gave to his mother and sister and anyone else that had asked. "I got scared."

Niall didn't look that pleased with the answer, but decided not to push it. "Okay, fine. My point was, what the hell was my point?" In a confused like manner he looked down at his drink then back up at Harry. "Oh yeah, my point is that I don't blame just you. And I don't blame you for not hanging out with us anymore."

Harry sighed. "Niall-".

Niall shook his head. "No, really I get it." He stood up from the stool Harry hadn't noticed he'd taken. "Now, come on." Niall grabbed a hold of his arm and started to pull him.

"Where are we going?"

He looked over his shoulder and grinned. "To Lads night."

That is exactly the answer he was afraid Niall would give him. "Niall, I'm not sure this is a good idea."

Niall didn't turn around. "Yes it is. Believe me." When they reached the table no body looked up from the conversation they were having. Niall cleared his throat. "Lads, I'm back and I have somebody with me."

Nobody looked up, but Zayn acknowledged what Niall had said with a pained expression. "You don't have to bring every woman over to meet us before you take her home."

Niall let out a howling laugh. "Not that kind of someone."

This time it was Liam who spoke. "So, you have decided to try something different?"

"Wrong again."

They both looked a bit annoyed. "Then what the hell are you-" Zayn cut himself off when he looked up and saw Harry. Liam quickly followed Zayn's gaze to Harry. Both of their eyes were wide and full of shock and fear.

No body said anything. Niall continued to grin like a fool. Zayn and Liam were exchanging worried glances. Harry just continued to stand there with his eyes trained on Louis and the dark haired man he's been talking with all night.

They must've noticed the silence from the others because the man looks at Harry. Louis' still looking at the man when he starts talking. "What in the hell happened to Niall? It doesn't take that...Harry?" Louis' eyes finally landed on Harry and slowly widened. The man next to Louis looked like he recognized the name and his face went from amused to angry.

Nobody was saying anything and the silence and staring was getting unbearable. "Hi Louis." Harry knows his voice came out more cautious then he wanted it to. Louis just continued to stare at Harry with an unreadable expression.

"I found him at the bar. Drug his ass over here to hang out a bit." Niall is looking amused with himself. "I'm assuming that was okay." It wasn't so much a question as it was Niall telling everyone it was okay.

Zayn and Liam both nod their heads and smile, but take a glance at Louis who is still staring at Harry waiting for him to give the final say.

He finally breaks his stare and smiles. "Yeah, sure. It's great. Sit down." Louis turns back to the man and continues the conversation they had been having earlier.

To a passing stranger it would have seemed genuine, but Harry can tell that Louis hadn't completely meant it. Harry sat down between Niall and Zayn, which conveniently allowed him to look right at Louis. 

~~~

Harry was a little drunk when Niall had first approached him earlier, but he had gotten increasingly drunker. It was probably due to the fact that Niall had kept getting more drinks for all of them. It was maybe because he sensed the awkwardness Harry being there had created or maybe it was just because he was an Irishman and tended to forget the others weren't. During those two hours Harry, Niall, Zayn, and Liam had fallen back into the way they used to be. It had been weird at first. Zayn and Liam seemed to be worried about upsetting Louis by talking to Harry and Harry was completely aware of Louis on the other side of the table, but Niall had been able to diffuse the tension with the alcohol and by just being himself. It was comforting to Harry that they were able to joke around with each like they always had been and it was even more comforting to know that nothing had changed much with any of them in the past five years. He also found out that Louis' new boyfriend's name was Brandon. They'd been together for about a year now, but had known each other for about three years. "Met through work," that's all either of them would divulge. It was fine with Harry. He hated Brandon. Only not really.. Brandon seemed like a really cool guy and in different circumstances Harry would totally be friends with him, but in this circumstance he's Louis' boyfriend and Harry doesn't like that even though he has no right to stake claims of Louis.

Louis had spent most of the time ignoring Harry, but he was still as much a part of the group conversation as everybody else. He just never acknowledged Harry. Any time he caught Harry staring at him, he'd make up some excuse to touch Brandon. Harry had been fed up with it as soon as he started, so he had kept taking the drinks Niall had offered and tried his best to ignore Louis like Louis was ignoring him. It hadn't worked out that well though, which is why Harry had excused himself. Said he was going to the toilet and he'd be back in a minute.

Instead he had gone outside. He wasn't exactly sure what he was doing. He just knew that he was drunk and couldn't handle being around Louis any more without actually being with him. He stood just outside the door for a couple of minutes and decided he was going to try to make it home. In his drunken state Harry didn't care that he had no idea where he was or that he didn't have money for a cab. He didn't care about anything except escaping Louis.

He made it about two buildings away when he sensed someone following him. Harry was hoping he knew who it was. Was hoping that by some miracle it was Louis and he also really hoped it wasn't him.

"Where are you going?" And it was so much like that time five years ago that Harry came to an abrupt stop and the person ran into him. Harry spun around as quickly as he could and looked down at Louis. He looked concerned and softer than he had when they were inside. "Harry, where are you going?"

"Uh, I'm not sure?"

"Are you asking?" Louis looked a little amused.

Harry looked around the street they were on to see if he saw anything that told him where he was. "I don't know where I am exactly. I wanted to go home."

Louis sighed and grabbed a hold of Harry's arm. The touch sent an electric shock through Harry and he tried not to think about how this is the first time he's seen Louis in five years. How it's the first time in five years that they've touched. "Look Harry, I'm not sure if you realize this or not, but you're drunk and you can barely walk."

Louis has started walking Harry down the street. "Why do you care?"

Louis didn't look at him and Harry could only see his profile, but Louis looked hurt. "Do you honestly have to ask? You need help getting somewhere. I'd feel awful if you died tonight because you were drunk. Not that I should." He added the last bit in a quieter voice. Harry doesn't think he was supposed to hear it.

"Someone else could've helped me."

"Ha. They're all as drunk as you. If not more."

"What about Brandon?"

"Brandon? You've only just met. I don't think he cares too much about your well being."

"Louis." Harry knows he knew what he meant.

"Right. He can manage a night by himself." They fell into silence for a while as Louis pulled Harry through the streets. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, but there was definitely something not right about it.

After a while Harry started to recognize where he was. The sudden realization of where Louis was taking him made him want to vomit. "Louis where are we going?"

Louis was silent for a minute while he contemplated his answer. "Harry don't read anything into this. I couldn't just let you wander around all night and I doubt you even remember where you live right now."

Harry wasn't sure what Louis meant by not reading anything into it. "Yeah, okay." He felt like he was going to vomit even more now, so he laid his head on the top of Louis'. After a while he closed his eyes and allowed Louis to lead him.

~~~

Harry's not sure, but he thinks he might have fallen asleep on the way to Louis'. The last thing he remembers is closing his eyes as Louis lead him down somewhat familiar streets and now Louis is helping to push him through the door of his flat. Then leading him down the hall and into the bedroom. The bedroom they used to share. Harry thinks this has to mean something because there is a spare bedroom, but he's too drunk to figure out what that something is.

Louis sits Harry down on the edge of the bed and starts to walk out of the room. "Please don't vomit all over anything. I just had this place cleaned. And try not to fall asleep again. I'll be back in a minute." 

He walks out the door and leaves Harry wondering why he's in this room. The room that they used to share. That Louis shares now with whatever his name is.

"I wasn't sure what you'd want to sleep in," Louis starts as he walks back in the room. "I grabbed a pair of pajama bottoms." He hands them to Harry and just stands there staring. "I know these used to be your favorite." 

"You still have these?" Harry looks down at the pajama pants. Sure enough they're his favorite pair. Blue and red plaid. "You kept them?" He looks back up at Louis. He Looks just about as sick as Harry feels.

"I, uh, yeah. Well," Louis can't look Harry in the eye now. "Some of it is still here. In the spare room. I found some of it the other day when I was cleaning. Meant to throw it out." Louis finally looks at Harry and offers him a sheepish grin. "You should put those on." He motions to what Harry's holding in his hands and then turns to walk into the en suite bathroom.

Harry doesn't waste time changing his clothes and getting under the duvet. He's not sure if that's what Louis meant for him to do, but he does it anyway. After waiting for Louis for a few minutes he decides to go ahead and lie down. His eyes close and all he can hear is the sound of the shower going. He really hopes he's asleep by the time Louis gets out. He doesn't want to face Louis right now. Or ever.

It's funny that for the past five years all Harry has wanted is to see Louis again. Even if Louis did nothing but yell at him. At least it would be something. But now that Harry is here, in a place they used to share, all he wants to do is escape. He's not sure why, but it might have something to do with the fact that Louis hasn't yelled at him or told him to go to hell. Louis has been nothing but courteous. And maybe that's what bothers Harry.

He can't understand why Louis is being this way. It's not perfect, but it's a hell of a lot better than he thought he was going to get. Louis should be mad. He was the last time they spoke. Harry had broken his heart. Why did he leave his boyfriend to bring Harry here? Why is he allowing Harry to sleep in his bed?

Harry's thoughts were cut off by Louis coming out of the bathroom. Harry tried to stay as still as possible and pretend he was sleeping. It didn't convince Louis.

"Harry budge over." Harry opened his eyes to see Louis standing over him. "This is my side of the bed."

Harry rolled over and tried to give Louis more than enough space. "Sorry." Louis didn't say anything. He just turned away from Harry. This was probably the most awkward situation Harry had ever been in. "I can sleep in the spare room."

Louis didn't look at him. "Isn't a bed."

And yeah, Harry remembers that now. Louis had always used it as a home office. "I could go to the couch."

"No, you're too tall for the couch and you've got a bad back." Harry opened his mouth to reply, but Louis cut him off quickly. "And before you suggest it, I'm not sleeping on the couch. This is my bed. I'm sleeping in my bed." He doesn't say it in a malicious way. It's more indifferent sounding. "Besides, I'm too good for the couch." Harry can hear the hint of a smile in his voice. "And before you say it, you're too good for the floor." Louis added that in a quieter voice, almost like he wasn't sure he should say it aloud. "Anyway, goodnight."

And Harry's even more confused by Louis now. Lying there in the dark Harry was reminded of the last thing he had heard Louis say. "It was my fault, wasn't it?" Harry had never gotten over that. He'd pushed it to the back of his mind, but it would occasionally resurface. It's always bothered him that Louis thought it was something that he did. Harry wanted to tell him. Had always wanted to tell him. So, now in the dark, years later, when Harry was sure that Louis was asleep, he whispers, "It wasn't your fault, Lou." And Harry's not sure if it's because he's drunk or because it's years of unspoken words, but he keeps going. "It could never be your fault. It was all mine. I was unhappy, but it had nothing to do with you. Absolutely nothing. I regret what I did every single day of my life."

Harry heard a sigh come from Louis. "Harry." Louis turned over to look at him. "Don't do this. Not now. You've been drinking. You don't really mean it. You just feel like you should say it. It's the alcohol. You probably won't remember this in the morning anyway."

The thing is, Louis is half right. There's a good chance he won't remember this is the morning, but he does mean it. "I'm sorry. I thought you were asleep."

Louis sighed again before running a hand through his hair. "I wish I was."

They stared at each other until Harry couldn't take the intensity of Louis eyes anymore. He lay down on his back, staring at the ceiling. This time when he speaks he knows Louis will hear him. "I haven't been with anyone else, you know."

"What?"

He's not sure why he said, but he felt like he needed to. "I haven't been with anyone else."

It takes Louis a second to respond. "Why?"

"It felt like cheating on you." He's telling the truth. He knows it's stupid.

Louis lets out scoff. "You realize we broke up? We broke up because you cheated."

Again he knows it's stupid. "Yeah, but still."

"Not having a relationship in any capacity was your way of making up for it?" Louis looks bemused.

"Yeah."

Louis shakes his head. "Go to sleep Haz."

All Harry can do in this moment is smile back at Louis like a creep. 

"What?" Louis asks with a hint of confusion in his voice.

"You called me Haz." Harry can't help, but continue to smile.

Louis lets out a laugh. "Go to sleep." He rolls back over facing away from Harry.

He doesn't know how long it takes him, but he eventually does what Louis said.

~~~

Harry woke up in a bed that wasn't his, but it was eerily familiar. He was on his stomach, face buried in the pillow. The smell of it was familiar, too. He turned over on his back and sat up surveying the room. He recognized it as the room him and Louis had shared for all those years. It doesn't look much different. A different duvet. The walls had been repainted, but it was the same pale green Louis had picked out when they first moved in. Harry had hated it. Told Louis that there was no way in hell they would use that color, but as usual Harry gave in. He had come to love that color in the three years they had lived there. 

The main difference and the one that hurt Harry was that all evidence of him ever being here had been removed. All the pictures. His clothes. His knick-knacks that littered the shelf on the wall. The hole in the wall that he had made when him and Louis got in their first fight after moving here. It's all gone. Harry can't remember, but he's sure the whole flat is like this. All evidence of Harry gone.

He looks down to his lap and sees that he's wearing his favorite pajama bottoms that he had left here. And Harry is hit with hope that if Louis kept these, Harry's favorite pajama bottoms, what else had he kept. Is it possible that he kept anything?

And then suddenly, everything else hit Harry. He remembered everything that had been said last night. His confession of regretting it every day. His confession of having not been with anybody else. Louis calling him "Haz". 

Harry doesn't have time to think about what all this means before Louis is coming into the room fully clothed and ready to start his day. "Ah, good. You're awake." Louis goes into the bathroom and comes back out holding a toothbrush. "I have to go to work soon. Breakfast is on the table. Just some eggs and toast. And I've set out some paracetamol. I imagine you've got quite the headache." Louis gives him a half smile and Harry realizes that he does have a headache, but he doesn't think it's from the hangover. "Oh and I assume you want clean clothes. I didn't have time to wash what you were wearing last night. Check the spare room. There might still be some of your clothes in there." With that Louis turns around and goes back in the bathroom and shuts the door.

Harry gets out of bed and walks down the hall to the spare room. The door is shut, which Harry thinks is weird because it used to always be open except for when Louis was working and didn't want to be bothered. When he opens the door, he's not shocked to see that it's different from what it had been. He'd expected that. He's shocked because all of his stuff is in there. Everything he left. All his clothes. The pictures. The knick-knacks. All of it. Stuff he didn't even remember leaving.

He doesn't have time to really think about it before he hears a voice behind him. "I couldn't get rid of it." There's a mixture of regret and sadness in his voice that makes Harry not want to see him.

When he turns around he sees Louis leaning against the doorframe, his face isn't readable. "Why?"

Louis shrugs his shoulders. "I dunno. Kinda wanted to destroy it all and I couldn't come up with a way that seemed appropriate. Kinda always hoped you'd come back for it. I wanted to yell at you more. Maybe hit you. I dunno." He's quiet for a minute before he adds, "Then I just wanted you to come back." Harry had been looking at the floor and his head snapped up at this. He sees that Louis is now looking at the floor. "I wanted you to come back and tell me that it had all been a nightmare. That you hadn't really done it." Louis looks up and meets Harry's eyes. His face was still unreadable, but his eyes give so much away. They always had. Right now they're giving away that he still wants to believe that it had been a nightmare. "Anyway, after so long I couldn't be bothered to do anything with it. Just left it here. Nobody knows I still have it. They'd give me shit. It's been five years." He laughs at himself. "Anyway, take what you want. It's your stuff. I have to go to work." 

And before he has a chance to say anything, Louis is scurrying out the door leaving Harry with all his old stuff and his thoughts. 

~~~

He ends up leaving Louis's in the clothes he arrived in. He ate breakfast and left. He didn't take any of his stuff with him. Instead he just wonders about Louis' excuse for keeping it. Had he really wanted Harry to come back and stay? It was something Harry always considered. Going back, getting on his knees and begging Louis for forgiveness, but he knew- he had thought- that Louis hated him and never wanted to see him again. But Louis had kept all of his stuff. That meant something. It was enough for Harry, but he'd found himself wondering about Louis and Brandon's relationship. They said they've been together for a little over a year. And Louis said that no one knows he kept all of Harry's things. That obviously means that Louis has been lying to Brandon about what's in that room. He wonders if there was anyone before Brandon. And of course there was. This is Louis he's talking about. Perfect, beautiful Louis. He wonders about all the things that Louis said and what they could mean. Harry wonders about everything that's happened in the past twelve hours. He wonders if it's changed anything at all.

~~~

It's been two weeks since that night and they haven't seen or spoken to each other at all and he thinks that's probably for the best. He wasn't expecting Louis to suggest they get back together. He doesn't expect anything from Louis. He understands completely why Louis wouldn't want a relationship with him again. How could Louis ever trust him again? Harry knows that if by some miracle Louis takes him back they could never be the same. It's the truth. It's sad and it hurts, but he can't do anything about it.

And seeing Louis two weeks ago was not something Harry needed. After the initial breakup, Harry had spent the better part of a month being pissed at Louis for not letting Harry explain. Then he spent about three months being pissed at himself for causing the mess. The madness that he felt at himself slowly subsided into sadness. A sadness that he had caused and that he couldn't fix. He had wondered if telling Louis about that night had been the right thing to do. He had wondered if Louis would have ever found out if he hadn't told. He had wondered if his guilt would have ever have subsided. The sadness was eventually overtaken by numbness. 

That's how he spent three years. Three fucking years. He lost all his friends. Nearly lost his job. He basically quit living. It wasn't necessarily because Louis wasn't in his life anymore because he could've lived with that. It would've been Louis's decision. They were never a codependent couple and they had always made fun of the couples that were. So, no. Louis not being in his life wasn't the problem. The problem was the fact that Louis had left his life because of something he had done to Louis. He had been like that because he had fucked up. He had fucked Louis up and Louis thought it was his own fault.

The last year or so Harry had been improving. He had finally convinced himself that there was nothing he could do now to fix it, so he started to fix himself. The guilt had finally gone away. And he was doing a pretty good job of it until two weeks ago. He had relapsed during the first three days after. The guilt came back. He started to blame himself again. He became angry with himself again because of what he had done to Louis. Harry didn't like feeling like that so he had drank himself into not feeling again. He probably would still be drunk in his flat by himself right now had Niall not shown up unexpectedly on the fourth day. It was the only good thing to come out of that night. He got his friends back. Niall had drug him out to get lunch and then stayed with Harry the rest of the day. They didn't talk. They just played FIFA. Niall had eventually left that night leaving Harry feeling a bit better. The next day Liam had shown up. And the day after that Zayn. 

For the most part the three of them had done a good job of keeping Harry distracted, but his thoughts would occasionally drift back to Louis. And that's where he found himself right now. Sitting in a diner having lunch with Niall who was going on about something that Harry hadn't understood at the beginning of the story. He feels bad for not having all his attention on Niall. Louis always had my attention. Harry thought to himself. All of it. 

"You're not paying any attention to me at all are you?" Harry tore his eyes away from the window to look at Niall. He doesn't look upset that he wasn't the sole thing Harry was focusing on. He just looks...well, Harry doesn't know how he looks.

"No. Sorry."

Harry can see understanding start to wash over Niall's face. "Ya thinkin' about Louis?"

Niall's question catches Harry off guard. "What? Why would you say that?"

Niall lets out a cackle. "You had your Louis face."

"Louis face? What in the hell?"

Niall shrugs his shoulders. "I dunno. You just get this face when you're thinking about Louis. Or when he's around. You've had it ever since you were sixteen. Seen it a lot." Harry wasn't aware that he had a Louis face. "You do, mate. Always have. It changes sometimes. Depends on if you're happy with him, just fucked him, or you know, upset with him, but it's your Louis face."

Harry picks up a chip and throws it at Niall's face. "I have absolutely no idea as to what you're talking about." Niall just smiles as he picks up the chip and eats it. "Seriously though, can you read minds? 'Cause I was thinking about him."

Niall finishes chewing before answering. "Listen, mate, I'm not going to push you into talking about it, but I think you need to. I'd really prefer not to lose one of my best mates again, you know?"

"I just really fucked things up and I can't fix them. I miss him." He's not really sure if the last part was needed. Niall seems to know everything anyway.

"Of course you miss him. And who says you can't fix it?" Harry starts to answer but is cut off by Niall putting his hand up. "No, let me finish. Yeah, you fucked up, big time, but you can fix it. Everything is fixable if you try hard enough. I just- the two of you are so stupid sometimes. I don't know why I put up with you." Niall pauses to take a drink. "He missed you too you know?"

Harry snorts at that. "Yeah, right. Why would he? I broke him."

Niall rolls his eyes. "Are you serious? I mean, are you really fucking serious right now? I mean, I know you two are stupid, but I didn't think you were that stupid."

"Okay." Harry draws it out as long as he can just to annoy Niall. "Explain it to me then. Explain to me how I can fix this shit and explain to me how he could possibly miss me."

Harry's lucky that Niall doesn't get pissed at people easily. He's been insufferable for two weeks and Niall hasn't shown any signs of Harry's foul mood getting to him. "Alright. Let's go over the facts, shall we? You and Louis met and fell disgustingly in love with each other in one night. You had known each other for two years before you got together. You were together for five years. You were a part of each other's lives for seven years. You can't just stop, you know?"

Harry's not entirely sure he follows Niall's logic. "Yeah, but I fucked up. I'm sure he stopped caring about me the minute I told him."

"Oh for the love of god Harry. Shut it and let me finish." Niall pauses. Harry gives a shake of his head as a signal for him to continue. "You were in love with each other. Always had been. I've never seen two people be more in love with each other. As soon as the two of you met we were all positive that you were going to get married one day and have a family. The whole perfect picture, cliché thing everybody always dreams about. You loved each other. You could see it in both your eyes and the way you were with each other. You could tell by just looking at the two of you that'd you'd risk your life for the other. Feelings like that just don't go away. You were in love with each other for seven fucking years. Yeah, you fucked up, but you still love him. And even after the shit you did and the five years of being apart he still loves you."

"Jeez Niall, I don't think I've ever heard you talk for that long."

Niall throws a chip at him. "Harry, did you hear me? He's still in love with you. He's been fucking miserable since it happened. He puts on this strong, "it doesn't bother me" facade, but he's miserable. After you left he told me that he tried to destroy your stuff, but he couldn't do it so he just sat in the floor and cried all day. That's actually how Zayn found him after you texted him telling him to go to him. According to Zayn it was the most pathetic thing he'd ever seen. He stayed in bed crying for days after it happened. Wouldn't talk to anyone. I'm not even sure he was sleeping. Obviously, he eventually broke out of that. Went back to work, hung out with us a bit, but we could tell that he wasn't happy and we couldn't do anything about it. We thought that setting him up with someone would help, but he wouldn't even consider it. Brandon is the first guy he's been with since you and to be perfectly honest, I don't think he even likes him that much."

Harry's not sure how long he sits there staring at Niall before he finally says, "He's still in love with me?"

Niall sighs and rolls his eyes. "Yeah. And you know he kept all your stuff? He doesn't know I know though, so don't tell him. I accidentally stumbled upon it when I was looking for my old radio I let you all borrow."

"Why would you need your old radio?"

"Well, why did you two ne -- now wait just a minute." Niall points his finger at Harry and starts wagging it. "That is not what this is about." When all Harry does is laugh, Niall throws another chip at him. "If you want to fix this, talk to him. Don't let him run away 'cause you know that's what his first instinct will be."

"Don't let who run away?" Harry and Niall both look to where the voice had come from. Liam was sliding into the booth next to Niall. "Are we talking about Louis?" 

"Of course we are mate." Niall answered while smirking at Harry.

"Ah, he's got his Louis face." Harry thinks it's time for him to make new friends and is about to say as much when Liam laughs. "Speaking of Lou, talked to him last night." He pauses to steal one of Niall's chips. "I'm not actually sure I should say anything, but-" 

"You probably shouldn't." Harry doesn't think it wise to let Liam betray Louis's trust.

"I'm going to anyway, Harry. It kind of affects you. Maybe." Liam glances around the diner as if to make sure Louis isn't going to pop out from under a table. "He, uh, broke up with Brandon a couple of weeks ago." And yeah, Harry wasn't expecting that. "It was the day after you showed up at the pub. Said something about how Brandon accused him of getting back with you, yeah, I know Harry. Anyway, Louis said they got into a bit of an argument. Said he thought Brandon was being too possessive. I dunno."

Niall looks at Harry with concern, then to Liam. "That's all he said?"

Liam shrugs. "Yeah. I mean, to be fair, I don't think he wanted to talk about it. He only said it 'cause I asked if Brandon was going to come with us this weekend."

"I can't believe he broke up with him two weeks ago and he didn't say anything."

"I can. I mean, we both met Brandon. He didn't seem to be that kind of guy, you know? I don't actually think there was an argument. I think Louis broke up with him for a different reason."

When it becomes clear Liam isn't going to elaborate Harry asks, "And what was that reason?"

"Well, uh, honestly, I think it was because of you."

Niall starts laughing. "Of course it was. It's always because of Harry."

"And what in the hell is that supposed to mean?" Harry wants to believe that they're wrong. Louis never made important decisions like that because of Harry. He'd ask Harry's opinion but it was always after he made up his mind. But if Niall and Liam are right and Louis did break up with Brandon because of Harry, why? Did Louis think there was a possibility of them getting back together? Did he want to get back together? Or did Harry popping up into his life after five years bring back forgotten fears of being screwed over again and he ended things before he could get hurt? Harry thinks it's probably the last one and severely hopes it's not. 

"I only just mean that he's still in love with you. Always has been." Liam holds up his hand to stop Harry from interrupting. "Up until two weeks ago Louis, like the rest of us, thought we'd never see you again. He knew there wasn't a chance of you two getting back together. But then you showed up and ruined that. You know, Louis' always been a big believer in fate. He thinks fate brought you there at that exact moment." Liam grabs Harry's drink and takes a sip. "Don't get me wrong, he doesn't think you're going to get back together and live happily ever after, but he'd like to think that. I know he'd also settle with just being friends with you again 'cause at least then you'd be in his life."

Harry's not entirely sure he knows how to take any of that, so he stands up and starts to walk away. He stops and turns around to see Niall and Liam with worried looks. "I have to go." He turns and then turns back to them again. "I'm not sure what I'm doing, but I have to do something."

And with that he walks out. It's true, he's not sure what he's doing. He just knows that there's a chance he can salvage some of the relationship he had with Louis. Even if it's just a small fraction it's more than he has now.

~~~

He knew Louis wouldn't be home. He knew Louis was at work. And he knew that there was a really good chance that he was probably doing something illegal, but he didn't care. He needed in the flat and he needed to fix this. He's just lucky he didn't have to break and enter. He's really glad that Louis left the spare key under the potted plant at the end of the hall.

When he gets in the flat he goes to the spare bedroom and just sits in the middle of the floor with his back to the door surrounded by all his old stuff. He grabs his favorite pajama bottoms and just stares at them in his lap.

He's not sure how long he's been sitting there when he hears a voice from behind him. "I actually slept in those for a whole year after you left." Harry can't quite make out that sound in Louis' voice. It's not cheerful, but it's also not sad or remorseful. "I used your pillow too 'cause it smelled like you."

Harry stands up, dropping the pajama bottoms, and turns to look at Louis. For the first time in years, their eyes meet and neither break it. Louis's expression is unreadable and Harry realizes that he's not sure what he wants to say. He had spent years thinking about what he'd say if given the chance. Had his speech perfected, but now that he has the opportunity he can't remember it, so he decides on the thing he should have said all those years ago. "I'm sorry."

He can see the surprise in Louis's eyes. "I'm sorry and It wasn't your fault. Please know that it wasn't your fault." He starts to move towards Louis, but stops himself. "Our relationship moved too quickly and everything was too perfect. I got scared. I got scared and I fucked up. It had nothing to do with you. It was all on me. I regretted it as soon as it happened and if there had been any way to go back in time and stop it I would've done it in a heartbeat, you have to know that. I didn't set out that night to fuck up the best thing that had ever happened to me, but that's what happened. And I honestly thought that telling you about it the next morning was the best thing to do. I still think that. I couldn't have lied to you for the rest of our lives." Harry pauses to take a breath. He's not used to talking this much this quickly, but he'll do it for Louis. He'd do anything for Louis. "I've spent the last five years torturing myself because of what I did to you. I never wanted to hurt you in any way. I loved you. I still love you. I will always love you. And I will do whatever I have to do to fix this. I shouldn't have let you push me away so easily. I should've stayed and fought you. And I don't care how, but I will make you a part of my life again. I want you in my life. I need you in my life."

Harry's not sure he's ever witnessed Louis being this quiet for this long and he's sure Louis is going to turn and run away or scream at Harry to leave and never show his face again. Harry is prepared to stand his ground this time. "I'm not walking away this time."

Louis doesn't break eye contact as he steps closer to Harry. They aren't that close, but if Harry stretched him arm out they'd be touching. "Haz," Louis sighs. "I don't know what I could give you. I know what I want to give you, but...Look, It was hard for me. I loved you. It killed me to know that you'd been with someone else. And yeah, for a while I blamed myself for it, but I eventually realized that it was your fault and not mine. I realized that if you had been unhappy you should've talked to me, not jump in bed with the first guy that walked by." Harry winces at that because that's exactly what had happened. "I got so pissed at you. I got pissed at you because you did fuck someone else. Then I got pissed at you because you left. You didn't even try. I thought for a while that it was because I didn't give you a chance to explain, but when had that ever stopped you before?" He laughs and takes a step closer. "I was a mess after you left. For obvious reasons, you know? But, I mean, we've known each other since you were sixteen and I was eighteen. Been together since I was twenty. You're all I had known in my adult life. I was destroyed. A year ago. A year ago is when I started to pick up the pieces you left behind. I'd love nothing more for us to forget about it, but we can't. I can't ever trust you like I did." His voice quiets at the last bit. "I still love you. You'd be an idiot to think otherwise. I was in love with you every day during the seven years we'd known each other. And I've been in love with you ever since."

It's Harry's turn to sigh. "Lou, I...I want you in my life. We've both admitted how we feel. I get that you can't trust me like that ever again, but I will spend the rest of our days trying to prove to you that it won't ever happen again." Harry knows he sounds too vulnerable now. "Can we work on it? Please? Even if friends is all we're ever going to be."

Louis finally breaks eye contact to survey the room he's in. "I dunno Harry. I don't want to be hurt again." Louis sounds much more vulnerable to Harry, but when he looks back at Harry, he can tell that there is a glimmer of hope in them.

"You broke up with Brandon." Harry doesn't know why he said it and he wants to kick himself. 

Louis lets out a laugh, the corner of his eyes crinkling like Harry hasn't seen them do in years. "Remind me to kill Liam."

"He said you said it had something to do with an argument, but he really believes it was about your unfaltering belief in fate." He should stop.

Louis looks taken aback for a moment before he answers. "Yeah, he's right. I wasn't that happy with Brandon. I was happier than I had been, but I convinced myself that it was what I wanted. I was wrong." He pauses and closes the gap between them even more. "I want you."

They're so close now that Harry has to look down a bit to keep eye contact. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. I just can't guarantee anything. I don't know what I can give you, but I will give you something."

Harry smiles and he thinks it's the biggest smile he's had in years. "I'd be fine with that. I'd love that."

Louis backs up towards the door and smiles. "Come on. I'll tell you all about my, what was it you called it? My unfaltering belief in fate over dinner."

It's not ideal just having dinner, but Harry will take it. He'll take anything with Louis. Dinner is more than he's had in five years. He'll take it. And now there's hope. Hope that they can fix themselves.


End file.
